Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Topdog's Tome of Terrible Treasures (Part One)

I have a taste for strange magic items and treasures. I like to see my players come up with uses for such totally useless items as the Hurtling Hedgehog of Hurculean Harm and The Bagpipes of Doom. I tend to pepper any RPG I am running with things like that, and so far, many of them have lead to memorable encounters and fond memories. So today sees the first instalment in Topdog's Tome of Terrible Treasures, a sporadically ongoing series in which I share with you, dear readers, a selection of the treasures and items I have used.
These items were all created for use with DiceChucker V.3, but they are mostly system agnostic enough that you could easily use them in any rules system. Not all of these were originally my idea, some come from friends, others come from the internet. All of them will help spice up your campaign by adding a little madness.

Potion of the Baboon (Cursed Item)

This potion appears to be a the most delicious thing the beholder can imagine, but once drunk, it turns him into an ape!

You are compelled to drink this potion, which transforms you into a Baboon. Reduce ALL attributes by 1. If any 6's are included in ANY draft the character makes while under the effect the potion wears off.
(this could easily become 'if any 20's are rolled, the potion wears off for use in DND or Pathfinder)

Smelly Fish of Sorcery

Certain rather pungent fish can increase the powers of magic users. No one knows why they can do this, or why they smell so foul.

While bearing the fish, add +1 to any Magic attributes, however, NO friendly figure may stand in a square next to you EVER.
(Again, you could change this to giving a +1 bonus on magic rolls)

Silent Hat

The strange magic which make the silent hat so useful also rob it's wearer of the powers of speech!
While wearing this hat you gain AL 1 AND a Luck Dice.
However, you may not talk to anyone (in real life!) If you speak at all, you lose the hat permanently.
(This item was created as a way to make a particularly loud player shut up. Unfortunately, he decided he was too awesome for the hat and never wore it. It DID lead to some wonderful moments of charades and creative writing.)


An ancient, filthy and completely wrecked looking old cows horn, and yet, there is magic here…

Upon blowing the horn, D6 baboons are summoned and will do the blower’s bidding. The baboons last D6 turns or until slain.


Most of the time, this is a pole some 30cm long.
Pressing a cunningly concealed switch causes it to telescope to up to 3m long.

(I've always found the ubiquitous ten foot pole pretty funny. How to adventurers carry the damn things through dungeons? This is my answer...)


This was a small, wooden box, but someone apparently sat on it…

(not a magic item... I have the rules for my magic items printed up on cards, so when someone discoevers and item, I can just give them a random card. It also helps them remember the item's rules and cuts down on writing. This is one of the 'get all excited and find out it's nothing' items. A while back, the PCs had utterly flattened a Gremlin cathedral with the Bagpipes of Doom, and the Gremlins were eagerly trying to bribe them into NOT blowing the things again. They offered the players gold and a magic item each. Out came the cards... one of the PCs drew the Ex-Box.)


A pair of black iron shackles, inscribed with deep and intricate runes.

The Shackles can be thrown 4/6/8, if they successfully hit an opponent, they lock around it’s wrists and will not open until commanded to do so by their owner.
(4/6/8 are short, medium and long range in meters - that's how DCV3 writes such things)


‘Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension’ – ancient proverb.

These boots grant a +6 bonus to rolls for climbing, but DO NOT work indoors at night.
(Apparently, the inscription was originally to be found at a ski resort in Belgium. God bless poor english; these have been a recurring item ever since I saw the inscription in a book)


A bewildering musical instrument, which makes a sound almost beyond human comprehension. Cows seem to like it.

When blown, this horn summons D10 cows, which will immediately attack the blower.


This brass bottle is shaped like a big bee.

Once opened, and held vertically, bees come out. Endlessly (or until plugged, or tilted)
(my friend Pete invented this one... it get's a bonus VS. Nicholas Cage.)


A rod with a fork at one end, and a golden chicken at the other.

Touching any dead creature with this rod causes it to turn into a roast chicken.
(I saw this idea online, but cannot remember where. It proved very popular, turning dead foes into delicious meals. The Befowling Rod's greatest moment came when, at the climax of a camapaign set on a desert world, the heroes overcame the Water Guild's basilisk mounted guards, used the magical MacGuffins and made water flow into the temple again. Then they touched the basilisk corpse with the Befowling rod... resulting in them trying to drag several tons of giant roast chicken up through the rapidly flooding water guild shrine...)


These trousers make dogs very happy. No idea why, but it might be something to do with the bacon woven into the fabric.
Any attempts to command, befriend of influence dogs gain a +6 bonus.


Through a strange and wondrous (and slightly miscast) spell, this glorious headgear makes cats give you all they own.

Cats within 20M are compelled to give up all their worldly possessions.
(This came from a random item generator - it's hit the table, and resulted in the wearer being presented with rather a lot of cat's bowls and dead mice. One of the mice had swallowed a jewel, so he was fairly happy.)


It is the spirit of Fido, mightiest of the digging dogs, cursed to wander the lands for all time… digging.

Fido attaches himself to you and will not go away. He digs constantly, and howls loudly in his existential torment.


Rubbing this oil upon your body turns you into a real stud.

Unfortunately, the wizard who created this was not up on slang, and took it literally. You become a farm for breeding horses for D6 days.


It’s a small, red earthenware pot full of tentacles.

When thrown, this pot bursts open on impact and immobilizes everything within 2m.

Needles of Necromantic Knitting

Once owned by a dread liche, these needles create knitwear of terrible power.

When supplied with wool, and on making a TN 16 knitting check, you can create knitwear which raises the dead for D6 hours.
(TN 16 is REALLY hard. You'd need at least three levels in Knitting to even be able to throw enough dice at it to roll that high.)

Well, I think that's enough for now. I'll post some more sometime soon. If you use any of these in your own games, let me know how they go and what strange uses for PCs find for them...