Oi Reg! The Australian Political Simulator

Oi Reg! came about when I ran into Sea Dracula and liked the idea, but wasn't so sure about the whole competitive dance-off rule mechanic. Anyway, it got me thinking about making a game with a similar theme, only set in parliament rather than a courtroom. Since Australian politics is notoriously volatile. Well, it was in the glory days of the late 80s and early 90s when the politicians more closely resembled stereotypical Aussies, and the PM held several beer drinking records.
To recapture those glorious days, Oi Reg is set in a fictionalised version of Australia.

OI REG!

THE CAMBIMBI PARLIAMENT SIMULATOR

So there’s this town in Australia called Cambimbi, right. And here’s the thing, for some insane reason it’s also its own country and not part of Australia. So it has its own parliament. Which is even madder than the ACTUAL Australian parliament.

You’re politicians in the Cambimbi Parliament. Don’t worry if you know nothing about Australian politics, it’s basically like feeding time at the zoo meets prejudice. Cambimbi politics is worse because EVERYONE is an awful stereotypical Australian. Just imaging Crocodile Dundee in a really shoddy suit he bought at K-Mart, on special, twenty years ago, shouting at the top of his lungs about boat people. You get the idea.

Stuff you need:

• Some paper and pencils
• Several packs of Tim Tams (Australia’s finest chocolate coated biscuit. They come in packs of EXACTLY eleven. And they are the bomb.)
• A bag of Allen’s Snakes (these are sort of gummi snake things made by Allen’s and commemorate a range of Australian things which will kill you)
• A name plate with ‘Reg’ written on it
• A bunch of gallahs you can persuade to play this ludicrous excuse for a game

What you do: 

First up, everyone writes down a law they want to see passed by the Cambimbi Parliament. These could be anything from “banning dingoes from Primary school” to “spend the entire federal budget on scratchies.” They should all be pretty stupid things which no right-minded democracy would even consider debating. Cambimbi is a wrong minded democracy. When everyone’s gotten stupid laws, you can start playing. 

Step one: Elect the speaker. 

The first speaker should be whatever nong suggested playing this crazy game in the first place. They get to take the name plate with ‘Reg’ written on it. (All speakers in the Cambimbi Parliament change their name to Reg. It’s cheaper than printing up new name plates.) Every round there’s a new speaker, who is traditionally the person sitting to the left of the old speaker. But you could play like real Aussies and decide the next speaker with a fist fight or a beer swilling contest or something. 

Step two: Propose a law. 

The speaker chooses a player to propose a law. That player then explains exactly what the new law is and why it’s so important that it get passed. They can use anything they like to convince people to vote for them - rhetoric, loud voices, visual aids, bribery… just so long as they follow correct parliamentary procedure (see below) 

Step three: The Debate. 

After the player has finished extolling the virtues of their proposed law, the Speaker opens the floor for debate. During the debate, any player can raise their hand. The speaker will choose someone with their hand up, and that player can argue about why they should or shouldn’t vote for the proposed law. Again, they can use anything they like to convince people, although even the Cambimbi Parliament frowns on things like shoving live crocodiles up and opponent’s shirt. Players can ALSO propose amendments to the law. That basically means you can tack extra stuff on the law, like changing it to “banning Dingoes from Primary Schools between the hours of two and three AM on Tuesdays.” If a player proposes an amendment and the player who proposed the law doesn’t want to add it to the law, both that player and the one who proposed the law in the first place grab hold of one end of the same Allen’s Snake. And they pull until it snaps. When it snaps, the one with the longer bit of snake wins, and the law is changed to suit them. They both get to eat their bits of snake. The Cambimbi Parliament is traditionally held in Big Steve-o’s Shearing Shed, and there are ALWAYS snakes under it, so there’s never a shortage of snakes. If you run out during a particularly gruelling all night session, you can always do something boring like toss a coin or roll a die. The speaker keeps track of all the changes to the law. 

Step Four: The Vote. 

When the speaker is sick of debating, he can call for a vote. Everyone but the speaker can vote ‘Yeah’ or ‘Nah’ on the proposed law. If there are more ‘Yeahs’ than ‘Nahs,’ then the law is passed. If it’s a tie, pull snakes for it. Whoever proposed the law in the first place gets a Tim Tam. Anyone who managed to add an amendment onto it also gets a Tim Tam for every amendment they managed to add.

Step Five: Rinse and Repeat. 

This keeps on going until all the players have proposed a law and they’ve all been voted on.

Step Six: Moving on. 

When everyone’s proposed a law and they’ve been voted on, switch to the next speaker, come up with some new laws, and keep going. 

Ending the game: 

The game ends when either you run out of laws to vote on, you run out of Tim Tams to award, or you get sick of it. Whoever has the most Tim Tams wins. This is really important - DON’T EAT THE TIM TAMS UNTIL THE GAME ENDS! Sure, they’re amazing and you’re hungry. For chrissakes, just propose an amendment so you can rip a snake in half and eat that if you get peckish - those tim tams are your score! If there’s a draw, settle it by either using the snake pull method or a bare-chested, bare-knuckled fight to the death in crocodile infested waters like a real man. 

Parliamentary Procedure: 

Listen up, cause this is important.When you talk to the speaker, ALWAYS call them ‘Mr. Speaker’ EVEN if they’re not male. Or you can call them ‘Reg’ if you like. The Cambimbi Parliament is pretty strict on two things - all speakers must be called Reg, and they must be able to go three rounds with national mascot Shagga the Pissed Roo. If someone else is talking you’re not allowed to say anything apart from ‘Shame,’ ‘Here! Here!’ and ‘Shuddup ya nong!’ - if you say anything else and the speaker’s not happy about it, he can tell you to shut up, and steal one of your Tim Tams. If you don’t have Tim Tams, he can tell you to shut up and not let you propose any laws or amendments this round.

Highlights of playing Oi Reg! at Gippsland Gamers have included:

• Passing laws requiring people to wrestle crocodiles in order to get licenses to open pubs
• Passing laws requiring all households to have a native animal as a pet - but NOT a crocodile so no one can practice wrestling them and get an unfair advantage
• Abolishing all working days but Friday, and moving all public holidays to Fridays
• Passing a law to prevent school shooting by arming all students BUT only supplying ammunition to teachers, who then give it out as rewards for good behaviour
• Passing a law to protect the brewing industry by supplying all primary school children with free beer
• Giving dogs the vote
• Invading New Zealand to annex their film industry and thus prop up our own
• A 400% Hipster Tax
• Replacing the entire Olympics team with members of the opposition

and the list goes on...
Like Australian Politics, this is not a game for the faint of heart, or to be taken at all seriously.